The Dark and The Light

I have been in the dark for a few months.

Looking back, I think I have narrowed it down to a botched infusion of intravenous immunoglobulin, IVIG, that I received in November. Whether I received too much medication, or whether I received it too fast, either way, it made me very sick for two months.

I had a migraine for fifteen days. It was in my neck and I couldn’t move my neck from side to side. I also couldn’t sit or stand for longer than a few minutes or the migraine intensified.

My body reacted to the infusion in such a severe way that it caught me off guard and left me breathless. Literally. A couple of times I found myself head down on the floor having attempted to walk to the bathroom. I got tunnel vision and the room began closing in around me. And the darkness came in from all sides.

I began to lose my hair. I noticed a few weeks after the treatment while brushing my dirty blonde, or ‘grey’ if you are a close friend, hair that it was just pulling out in clumps. Mainly thinning in the front like a prematurely balding man. I really noticed while visiting a friend and her kids. She took a picture of me laying on the couch holding her sweet little boys in matching Christmas jammies. I put my hair in a messy bun on top of my head to keep the eight month old from pulling it. The first thing I noticed was the receding hair line.

The worst part of the darkness, worse than the pain and the suffering and the breathlessness and the distress, is the loneliness. The day after day of sickness that you can’t choose. That you can’t change. That you grow to accept. You learn to watch the world from Huffington Post and Facebook and picture texts from friends while your grey walls stay firmly planted to their foundation. And my friends wonder why I love my skull decor piece. I am my skull decor piece.

But then, this season is different. There will be no more gloom for her who was in anguish.

This time of year, especially for me, I’m waiting for one who would rend the heavens and come down to save me from my darkness. I’m weary in this world.

Those who dwelt in the land of deep darkness, on them light has shined.

Just as the sun peeks through the white bedroom window shade this morning, a light has come to the world to break my darkness. To split it open. To reform it. To use it.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given…and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I think the worst of the worst is over for my months recovering from my failed infusion. I have caught my breath again. I am trying to build back my stamina. If I wear my hair down and flip it to one side, I think I can cover the thin spots. But more than that I can see the light.

And it is not my light, it’s His.


12 Comments on “The Dark and The Light

  1. Beautiful Sarah, your post makes me so sad for what you have been going through. I wish I could be of a bigger help in your day to day life. But I’m heartened that you are beginning to see the light and life is turning around! I wish you a wonderful Christmas!

    • Thanks for reading, Nancy! And for saying it was beautiful. That makes me smile. 🙂

  2. So, one more (honest) thing….the skull disturbs me…more so that you identify with it. So dark. Even so, I suppose it’s good a thing that you can objectify your emotional life. I will wait for the day when you align with more life-full symbols!

    • Ha, believe me, the skull disturbs many of my friends. But I love it. It’s not just me. They are selling them all over the place! Look on west elm or urban outfitters! Skulls everywhere!

  3. Sarah love you and wish I could take your pain away. One day we will know why we had to go through it. Love Grandma

  4. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this. You’ve shared in such a way that it makes me think of others who deal with sickness and pain everyday too. Which is not to diminish your anguish but I appreciate your sharing because you have such a positive outlook. Stay strong. Hugs and prayers for you.

    • Thanks, Sharon. Sometimes I think I share too much and then I read comments like this and I get reassured of the reason why I write. Thanks for reading!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *